Dear Spammers: You Win

Dear Spammers,

I surrender. I am giving up on POP3 e-mail. I don’t remember how it happened, but somewhere, at some time, I allowed someone on the internet to see my e-mail address, and now my inbox is flooded with nothing but investment tips, weight loss plans, and offers for new and exciting products that will make my breasts and/or penis larger.

I turned on the spam filters, but that only worked for a little while. Then you guys started putting your wisdom in the form of graphic-only messages that fool the ISPs. Apple Mail tries to keep up, but inevitably, many of your messages make it past the wall and into my inbox anyway.

Recently, a friend gave me his old Blackberry, and I was excited about the possibility of being able to check my very important business e-mail anytime, from anywhere. I set up my POP3 access on the PDA and immediately prepared to take the world by mobile storm. And, inside of fifteen minutes, I discovered that the only thing I had done was make myself accessible to my spam 24/7. What a fool I was!

Now, I don’t even bother trying to check for legitimate messages in the midst of all the Blackberry spam; I simply delete the whole lot every time that annoying AOL guy tells me I have mail (I don’t know what he’s doing on my Blackberry). In fact, I can usually beat him to the punch. “You’ve got spam!”

So, I’m giving up on e-mail. You can have my accounts. Send all those offers of Penis Magnificence to someone else. Oh, wait… They’re already getting them.

I am shutting down all my POP3 accounts and moving everything to Gmail, which, for some reason, seems to be the only e-mail authority that is capable of reliably filtering this electronic diarrhea.

Now, I am not a tech guru. I’m not a hacker, I don’t code, and I don’t claim to know all about the intricate inner workings of the Internet boiler room. I’m a photographer. There is a reason why I don’t spend my time learning about this stuff. However, I do have quite a bit of tech savvy left over from my earlier years as an enthusiastic teenage computer geek. You could sit me in front of a command line and I wouldn’t lose my shit. I’m not saying I would get much done, but at least I can use the man pages.

If I were a hacker – you know… of the 1337 variety – my mad scheme would be to win over the hearts and minds of all of mankind by making it my personal crusade to take down as many spam houses as I could find. I don’t know why no-one has done this yet. Someone has to know where all this crap is coming from, and if the Pentagon’s network can be hacked, then surely some Russian spam whore can be taken down as well.

I’m not advocating any kind of net crime, mind you… I’m just sayin‘… I’m surprised no-one has done it yet, and until our NWO Robin Hood steps up to the plate, it’s me an’ Google, hand-in-hand, strolling into the sunset.

Maybe Google will buy me some cotton candy at the fair.

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~ by peakaction on November 6, 2006.

4 Responses to “Dear Spammers: You Win”

  1. Hahaha. I work for a major webhost, and let me tell you — I know exactly what you mean.

    Even my inbox is disgusting.

    Also, you can use gmail as pop3. Maybe that’s a good idea for you.

  2. I’m an engineer on the gmail Spam, Abuse and Delivery team. I just wanted to say thinks for your post – it is always nice to hear something positive about our product. We do know, more or less, who many of the spammers are. When they are in the US or some other reputable country, we do notify appropriate authorities. However, a lot of spam comes from countries that don’t have any laws against spam. Our only option would be to send a bunch of mafia to their homes and blugen them with a blunt object. Don’t think the thought hasn’t crossed our minds.

  3. um, yea. thinks = thanks.

  4. Dude, I wish more ISPs were as good as you guys are at filtering that crap. Maybe it would actually deter some spammers from getting into the game in the first place.

    Yeah right, who am I kidding?!

    Thanks for doing a great job, btw.

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