Happy & Sad, Good & Bad…

For a long time now, I’ve had a somewhat scattered presence on the internet, with blog pages here, at uber.com, and also at deviantART. This page was my first, however, and always my favorite for blogging. However, due to the more informal nature of the other sites, I always used them for journaling my personal thoughts, and saved my wordpress page for the more “professional” and photo-related posts, as I know that some of my clients read this blog.

Now, Uber.com is no more, and deviantART is just – well, let’s just say it’s a bit convoluted. I am going to move this blog from strictly a professional realm to more of a personal journal. A lot of things have been happening in my personal life lately, and I’m discovering now that I can no longer keep things bottled inside. I need a place to relieve my stress and rant a little, and I think this is the best place to do it. If some of my regular clients see a more personal and slightly more scattered side of me, then so be it. I’m sure they will understand, especially since the internet has been disassembling the boundaries between private and professional life for years now. It’s almost expected to know more about your professional contacts than you do about your own family members.

Today marks the beginning of an historic time in our country; I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time, as have many people. Unfortunately, however, I am not able to enjoy it as much as I would like, simply because events in my personal life are overshadowing this great day. I am trying my best to work through some intense personal pain. It’s very hard trying to figure out what to do when the person you love the most – the one who has received the best you have to offer – betrays your trust to a point that is unforgettable.

The easy choice is to say it’s over; to simply pack up and move on. Sure, you will hurt for a while, but in a few months, you’ll be back on your feet. The difficult choice is to stick it out, because you love this person so much that you are willing to risk being taken for a ride again. You are willing to risk once again having your heart burned to a cinder like so much dragon fodder because you know that, deep down, this person is worth your love.

Of course, that’s the choice I have made, simply because I am not a quitter. I don’t really have a limit to how many times I’m willing to get burned as long as I still believe in someone, deep down. As long as I still believe that a person truly desires to better him/herself, then I will do my best to make sure they succeed, even at great cost to myself. Am I a sucker? Many would probably say, “yes” to that question, but I will not. I will simply say that I am a romantic and an optimist. To admit otherwise is to admit that I made the wrong choice in the first place, and looking back on those early days – those wonderful, innocent, and as-yet uncorrupted times – I have to say that I don’t believe that is true.

So, here I am, preparing myself for yet another uncertain journey. Ahead of me lies a twisting, jagged road, full of pitfalls, boobie traps, and probably more than a few R.O.U.S.’s that I am sure to come across along the way to my destination, wherever that may be.

These are melodramatic thoughts, but this is a dramatic time for me. I can only do my best to get them out and recorded, so I can look back in time, when I know whether or not I made the right decision. It is only then that I will know if I am truly foolish, or truly wise.

For now, wish me luck as I gas up the tank and stock up on film. There is adventure ahead. If I succeed, there will be celebration. If I do not, then I hope the dragon will work on his writing skills.

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~ by peakaction on November 5, 2008.

One Response to “Happy & Sad, Good & Bad…”

  1. We are similar in the respect that I, too, believe that people can change if they want to, and I’m willing to help them – doing whatever it takes because I believe in them; I’m too optimistic to not do anything when the better person they can become is just barely, barely, out of reach.

    Now, I’ve never been “in love” (because sustaining a relationship at my age of fifteen years is near impossible, especially in today’s society of one-night stands, casual “flings”, and the superficiality that most teenage relationships are based on) and thus I do not know what you’re going through firsthand, but have seen others hurt, others try to hold on – lose – and move on, and others succeed in mending a relationship, and it is for that reason that – this will sound horribly cliché and impersonal, especially coming from a random guy on the Internet (though I have been following your blog and watch you on deviantART, so not THAT random) – I BELIEVE IN YOU, I believe you will come to the right decision (whatever that may be), I support you, and I am there for you.

    Good luck, your impending journey has been traveled by others before you (to varying degrees of success), but you must find the right road to take.

    Again, I wish you the best,

    Zach

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